Time tends to go by faster then anyone thinks. When you look back all you can see is the memories you’ve made passing by in the rear view.
It’s been awhile since I have written anything in my favorite little blog, Christmas came and went, which killed my spare time. I run three businesses now, a dayhome which I love, a health and natural little direct selling business which is too much fun and has seriously helped me with my own body image issues and my personal favorite at the moment, my crafts.
When life gives you lemons you make lemonade, but when life pours onto you to the point your drowning in lemonade, what else do you make? While I am so lucky to have a fantastic Mom, Mother in Law and husband, not to mention a perfectly adorable little brat, life has taken a turn to the interesting for everyone else I know. My brother was involved in an accident, my Granny, who has always been under the weather for the past ten years or so, has her health declining, family members are passing away like the afterlife is the next hottest club to be a part of, and now it’s creeped into family friends, and friends in general.
Speaking to my Mom the other day we started to talk about all the shiza that is piling up. Surprised by just how much was going on that we hadn’t spoken about yet she made a comment to me about how at least I have broad shoulders. I have to be strong. It’s always been like that. In the past it was strength for myself, but it’s evolved to being strong for what feels like all 7 billion humans on this planet. If I am not the pillar, who will be? When everyone else is going insane and needs a shoulder to lean on, what would happen if I started to crack?
The husband, he doesn’t understand so much. I think it’s because he has the most sturdiest rock in the entire world to lean on, his Mom is an amazing woman who can take anything with dirty humor and still keep her poise.
He made an interesting comment though. But it doesn’t mesh with me. He told me I don’t have to be strong for the world, I just have to be strong for one person. He can be strong enough for the family, but I know how weak he feels when I’m down. So I can’t be down or he will be as well. It’s a horrible cycle of strength. I want to collapse and cry in the corner. I want to rage, rage against the dying of the light, but I simply can’t. 1000km separates me from those who I perceive need me, so I must keep strong and carry on. Trying not to bring down the house while I worry, fret over that which I can’t control.
Crafting has become my solace. When I craft my mind leaves all behind and focuses only on the project at hand, to the point where it is probably not healthy the way I keep jumping around. I find it kind of funny, and maybe a little sad, while crafting keeps me sane I can be working on one project and feel the urge to switch over. I can’t stay still. I can’t focus. Yesterday my mind was so completely fogged up and hazy I couldn’t even go grocery shopping as I couldn’t remember my own damn name – let alone what we needed.
But life keeps going, time keeps passing. When I look in my rear view I don’t want to see all the days I sat, depressed and brooding while my daughter played. I want to remember being strong. I want to remember being the rock my Mom needed, and my daughter needed. I think wives, sisters, Mothers, daughters… We need to be stronger then the men are even aware… We fight demons inside of us that no one wants to face. We must be perfect, at all times. When we want to shrink back from the world that is usually the time we need to be front and center. When we are at our weakest that’s when people come to us for strength, and when the husband tells us to crumble and draw on him… We need to listen. We need to know no man is and island. Even if we feel as though we are, we have to remember an island doesn’t just float, alone, atop the ocean. There is always something keeping it up. You might not always see its strength, but it is always there.