Food

Ever since the Padawan was born I’ve had self image issues. In all honesty they were deeply in place before she was born, but I had just gotten my body the way I wanted it. Gaining 100lbs will mess with your head.

To put it bluntly, I feel fat. Massive. Bigger then the bloody house and some days I just feel ugly. But if I don’t look in the full length mirror or wear big clothes and things that hide different parts, I think I look the way I used to. Until I catch a glimpse in the mirror or take my clothes off.

Clothing can make you feel amazing or bad, and it does so a few ways. If you out jeans in the dryer… That can make for a bad day. More so if you have a friend visiting. Then it’s all about comfy pj pants and not leaving the house. Recently I bought a pair of jeans that are as close to my size as I can actually get. Little big in the waist, but fit over my black girl booty and are long enough it doesn’t look like I’m in the middle of a flood. (Not so funny side note- once when I was young my favorite pair of {and only} jeans got way to small and I kept wearing them, not thinking anything of it. Too short in the legs but good in the waist. Got made fun of and it went completely over my head until I asked my Mom what they meant) The waist is a little big but that’s easily fixed with a belt. Belts are needed now, since I buy high waisted pants to help suck in the muffin top and slim everything down. Hips are massive but waist is pretty small I’m a very odd body type. I love these pants. They are the perfect mix of good brand, good fit and just plain jean-y goodness. I feel like a million bucks which boosts self confidence and over all wellness. But you all knew that! Clothing that fits is key!!!

I can write this all, however in the back of my head a little voice is nagging me about something else, a direct result of NOT owning clothes that fit. My personal eating habits are in the pits, I don’t mean I gorge on junk food, at least not all the time… But I simply don’t eat. I have breakfast of cheesy eggs with the Padawan, but always skip lunch and maybe have a late snack followed by a later dinner after she is fed and put to bed. I put off a meal (she has her own) for myself because if I don’t eat, I don’t intake calories. Yes. I am aware this is bad. I know your body stores fat if it isn’t used to eating frequent meals. I do take a variety of vitamins every single day though, so I see it as just training myself not to like food as much as I do. Let’s face it, food is amazing. It’s delicious, and I love it to death. That’s what got me into this mess, eating all I wanted!

Okay… Maybe that’s not true. I am also currently on a prescription with lots of steroids… And my doctor failed to mention what that means. I’m bulking up, and not in a good way in my eyes. When you buy a shirt that fits in the middle but not the arms??? That is a little off putting. So I’m damned even if I was eating 3 squares? Do I dare up my workout and get jacked up by fluke? My prescription is tied into self image. Self image is tarnished by prescription. Great. Now if that’s not a mean circle I’m not sure what is.

Reading this you might want to call someone to force feed me a carrot, I do eat two full meals a day, and have the needed supplements.

However now when I skip a meal I can only think of my daughter. Would it be okay for her to say to me, thanks Mom, but I’m skipping a meal because I feel fat. Obviously not! We’d have a sit down and a heart to heart about the adverse affects of eating disorders and how important it is to stay active and healthy, eating right being the major corner stone of everything. Would I accept her telling me she was taking vitamins to replace the nourishment she wasn’t getting by not eating properly?

Seeing it typed out makes me feel like a fool. I don’t want to lead by words, I want to lead by example. I think I’m going to go have an apple…

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