Putting others first

While I might be fairly young by numbers, I like to think I’ve already lived more then the majority of people my age. While that is a pretty pompous thing to say, when you look at girls (yes most of them are only girls) my age doing what they are, can you blame me for thinking that?

When I was in highschool I was an uber geek. Honestly might consider it more to be über nerd. Being a geek your still fairly normal, can be considered cool still in your own right but nerds… Nerds are what geeks consider to be outcasts. Growing up in our group of hardcore, death before we would dishonor our geeky selves, world one of our friends was a nerd. He never really fit in with us, but he didn’t fit anywhere else outside the computer room. If memory serves he may or may not have crossed swords with one person we all knew but that could be small town gossip. He was also one of the nicest guys, always hung out with us and was our friend, but not ever considered one of us. Me and my friends were the anime, artistic, weird kids. We wore bondage pants but we were not goths. My friend used liquid eyeliner to paint lines as eyeshadow before that was even halfway considered cool. (Thank you internet for Pinterest!) I get so mad now a days because we got so much flack for loving comic books, B-Movies and video games. We were losers because people didn’t understand it. Now you have (awesome) shows like The Big Bang Theory and comic book movies making everyone a fan. These people love this stuff now and yet were downright unmerciful in teasing us back in the day.

I digress, but now you can understand how, when I say I was a geek, you know, I was a geek!

Because of the way we were treated in high school I got my act together and graduated a year in advance. Destroying my relationship with my friends, but freeing me of the people who brought me down. I moved out shortly after my 17th birthday, moving in with my much older boyfriend, completely ruining my relationship with the girls for good. Again. A story for another day. I started working full time the second I was out of school, I had been in the work force since I was 13 years old, and probably the only one of my friends to do so. I bought my car before my 16th birthday, insured it and was driving (under the old school BC rules) from day one. That meant gas, insurance payments, repair bills… I had responsibility that most others didn’t have at my age. Moving out I had all the bills that came with it. My boyfriend, Allen, was about to start post secondary school after taking a few years off after school. Allen was about 23 I think when we started dating, and I was about 16 I think. Few days before my 17th birthday. I was working full time to pay our bills and making sure everything was on track while he got student loans to go to school to become a welder. It was sweet at first, life was perfect I thought. My Mom had met my step dad at the same college and birds were singing.

As the student loans piled up, and I started working more jobs, life got a lot more stressful. I was also missing my Mom who lived 1100km away and my Nana who I still lived fairly close to. We started to party more and more to avoid dealing with stress. Didn’t have a phone, or Internet, so we couldn’t play video games. I don’t think we even had a tv! I had gotten a computer for a graduation present but couldn’t afford any games. Everyone else we knew was in the same boat. So we kept plugging away. It wasn’t a normal welding course, it wasn’t three months. It was a full year and also Allen had taken a mechanics course the year before so most of the student loans actually went to paying off the first year.

I kept working, kept paying our bills. Finally I lost it. I realized, now 18 years old, what I had done for the last few years. Since Allen and I lived together we had lived in a tent for a summer, bummed around, I had moved back home with my Nana and Papa once or twice, still dating Allen but couldn’t live with the Bay life.

I don’t regret anything I did, besides the pretty hard partying. I gave up so much for Allen I lost my way putting his first. I gave up my own chance at going to college building debt while working and supporting us both. Allen was an awesome guy, he always put others first and we helped out all who came our way. We never thought of ourselves. It wasn’t until I had to call my Nana to come and pay for my gas because I was more flat broke then broke. Someone stole my last five dollars at the party I just left so my Nana, at 10pm had to drive down and pay for $5 worth of gas.

I drove home and by the time I got to our house I had decided to move to Calgary and change my life. Put myself first, put stock in myself and focus on building my life. It was five months to my 19th birthday and I moved to the big city to be with my family and try to make my mark, doing whatever I could.

I started out at a clothing store, left. Went crazy in a day working at a mall. Few days later I got a job at a coffee shop and life took a butterflies in the tummy turn. I met my ex boyfriend when I worked at that place. Few months later we had moved in together so I could be closer to work as a manager at a Pizza place. Glorified dishwasher to be honest. His roommates also moved out with two weeks notice, if I didn’t move in with him he was sunk. Plus I love my Mom but living with her for the first time in years was hard. Asshat and I got two roommates, one for a month while his place was getting ready, and another that was supposed to be here forever. Asshat was going back to school for his second? Maybe third? Year of, you guessed it. Welding. Only a three month course, and we spoke to our roommate about making sure he was going to stay living with us until Asshat was at least out of school. Three days before course started… He moved out. Which meant again, I was the only one working while Asshat went to school. We had to move out of our townhouse into a cute, evil, 1 bedroom apartment. Met one of my best friends in that building, so I will never complain. Well…if the water didn’t stop, twice, for two weeks. And if the heat had actually worked in the building… We moved out of that place and into our trailer. He got laid off, and never even tried to find a job. I was working at PlayStation and keeping the house afloat. I got loans to pay our bills, to keep gas in the car, insurance, and car payments made. Buy food, pay for gas and hot water… Anyone who lives by themselves knows what I’m talking about. You have your own house you know. He went to school again. Right after going back to work, he went to school. So again, I was paying for life and making sure he could advance his. I am bitter about this one. The way life went I can’t say he was a nice guy. He’s the only one I can’t say that about that I’ve dated.

I got myself sorted out, got my life together and finally after years of talking to him met Logan. When our daughter was discovered he put off going to school to make sure we would be okay. He stayed in a career he hated, a job he detested, for us. Even before any of this I was so in love with him I would give anything for his happiness. We give up things for ourselves so the other has what they want. We give up so much for our daughter. After all I’ve been through in life I can finally understand proper selflessness. It’s not giving up everything until you suffer, if the other person is just taking from you, not giving, that’s not selflessness. That’s stupid. But you can’t see it when you are too close to the situation. Only by looking back on my life I can even start to see my mistakes. After you make them you deal with the consequences and then, years later, can reflect on it. Looking back I don’t regret anything. Every step of my life brought me to Logan. Brought me to The Padawan. Made my life complete.

I do wish I had gone to school, but then I might not be here, relaxing while my daughter naps. I might be in an office somewhere miles aways from Logan. Wondering what my life would have been like if I took another route. Or not even knowing his name, never meeting Allen or having that lead me to Calgary, which led me to Logan.

Life is what you make of it. Only one person is in control of it, but the person usually doesn’t know what the hell they are doing. Only through doing can they grow and understand life. I am the one person in control of my life. Logan is the one person in control of himself.

Our love keeps our paths together and always will. We take counsel from each other and others we love and trust, but our paths are our own, and each path leads to a different outcome. They will, however always be joined.

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