Recently I’ve been up early every morning, making sure the house is presentable and tidy to welcome the day home kids in. Today just so happened to be extra special early, so early that the kiddo went straight back to sleep when he got here.
Sitting outside on my front step as the world wakes up reminds me of a land before baby… Back when my morning consisted of waking up, showering (oh my god… Remember that!?!?) having a bagel and tea/liquid as the cowboy city woke up. Maybe it’s the construction at the school across from me reminding me of big city noises, or maybe the slight chill in the air reminding me of a place even farther away. The wet sock after touching the mat reminds me of a place and time so long ago it seriously feels like the remembrance of a past life. A place where nothing is ever dry, but it’s acceptable because you know no better. The dew on the grass lasts until 3pm, as the fog rolls in off the water, or the rain mists the land making it feel like a faery world.
This place feels like home, because it always was, but feels like a far away dream you can only lightly grasp before thinking too hard makes it float away. But just having that feeling again reminds you, you are home. That little one sleeping upstairs has changed life so it could never return to the way it was, long days of sleeping in, simply showering every morning to wash the stiffness out of your body… That’s okay though. The smile she gives when she sees you for the first time in the morning does just that. Making breakfast while she hangs off your legs and getting juice for her is more powerful then any tea. Watching tv in the morning with her is better then logging into your work and getting an early start in, to be home for the party. Every night we have dinner as a family is better then any corporate gathering in some other city, breakfast on the weekends taste better then any breakfast ever tasted sitting beside the CEO of PlayStation. The life we’ve led before becoming parents feels distant, but the life we’ve led after becoming parents has been richer then any life ever could be. Sometimes I think about the days before we had our Padawan, before children invaded my house like a tsunami of tiny hands and feet. Then I catch myself mid day dream and it goes to how she would enjoy that activity.
Thinking of the damp on the ground and the mist in the air in the meadows back home conjures images faeries, but now my own little fae exploring it. Showing her the magic of dew on a spider web as it sparkles, the wonder of bugs as they start the day in the best way Mother Nature designed.
Thinking of the ocean of my childhood brings images of my daughter running around the rocks, like I did with my own Mom, looking at all the tidal pools and throwing rocks into the water. Those images do depress me slightly, but only because of our geographical location. She will have wheat fields to wander, instead of climbing coal hills she will climb fences. Her life will be so different I can’t begin to understand it… But she will have all the wonder of this place, the garden of flowers that she can run in her Baba planted.
I do sometimes dream of the world before The Padawan, but then I think of all I wouldn’t have, the very things I yearned for without her. My husband and my daughter have completed my life in a way I used to dream of in that far away dream. I could never live as a whole without either one of them, and all dreams that come can only be better then the ones before simply because they include them. Anywhere they are, home is. Any place they need to be, I will be with them. Some people don’t understand, some people didn’t dream of a job they could do from home to be with the family. I always did, every dream I have ever had has come true, people might think its odd, but I couldn’t complete my own life by myself, the day one man walked into it he completed it. The day our daughter was born perfection was enhanced. Every moment I get to share with them is worth it’s weight in gold, silver and diamonds.