The insanity is a narrow bridge.
It gets harder and harder to navigate as time goes by. The end never seems to be coming and there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel. You’d do anything to make it stop. No one understands. No one gets it. The people who are supposed to be helping you don’t. The people around you don’t seem to care, the people causing you pain are lounging in your misery.
The thing is… It’s never over until you say it is. Did you just have an amazing meal at dinner time cooked by your loving Mom, Aunt, sister, friend? Did your little brother come up and give you a hug today? Did the stranger on the street hold the door for you?
I’ve walked down that path. I’ve been so depressed I’ve caused myself physical harm. I’ve given up on the world and myself. I’ve almost given in to my tormentors. But I can say it only gets better. Life can only go up when your at your weakest and darkest.
What inspired this entry is the RIP Amanda Todd Facebook page. I saw today the first real comment and story that makes sense to me. It was written by a man who goes over what happens after. That’s what no one thinks about.
What happens after you remove yourself from the equation?
That’s what stopped me. That’s what stopped me dead in my tracks. What would happen to my family and the ones I love? My paternal Grandma has already buried one of her kids, could she bury her only Grandchild? Could my Nana who has always loved me, always supported me, really handle hearing those words? Her oldest Grand baby killed herself? Was I so selfish that I would destroy every member of my family life because I couldn’t handle living mine? What would happen to my little sister and brother?
Now, as a Mother and wife I look back at myself and can only shake my head. If I could tell young me about all the crap that has happened since then, how that was only the very tip of the ice burg and how it all ended up not mattering at all…how if I had gone ahead with it I would have missed out on a loving husband and child… How my life would have ended on such a sad note… If I had killed myself the day I was going to (Pills and razor in hand) I would have cheated myself out of my own life… Even admitting that I thought about it is now embarrassing.
I wasn’t so unhappy because of a boy. I was picked on at school to the point of it being a living nightmare. I was taken across the street and beaten while my friends watched and one tried to get the school to help, but since it was off school property they didn’t even bother to come outside and do anything. They didn’t even give the chicks a stern talking to. They simply didn’t care. Gossip was spread because I turned down a guy in my grade. I was a little bit of an outcast and teenagers being teens… They fed on that. It wasn’t like today where liking comic books, super Hero’s and being a geek is something everyone accepts, I swear they would have stoned me the day I came to school with a home made Buffy the Vampire Slayer shirt. It didn’t help that we were dirt poor, so I shopped at Value Village meaning my clothes never really fit properly, and on one occasion I wore a shirt to school another girl had donated. Having undiagnosed depression doesn’t help matters.
But you know what?
It got better. It always gets better. Trust me the light is always darkest before the dawn. Each day is a new day and even though it seems like I am just quoting random cliched sayings it is because each one is 100% true.
Never give up. Never surrender. Don’t let them win. Don’t let them take your life.
Talk to your parents. Talk to your doctor. In my experience school guidance people are as useless as a water powered calculator but that doesn’t mean yours are. Talk to anyone who will listen because someone will. Someone will help.
Are you willing to give up your future because of your past?