Feelings…nothing more then feelings

You marry a role and you give up your soul till you break down.
Something Corporate – Me and the Moon

I’ve always liked that song. At first when my best friend sent me the lyrics with the subject “This is you” I was really insulted, hurt and a little afraid. Maybe because it was true, I was on the wrong path with the wrong people and it very easily could have happened. Today I just… Can’t put my finger on it. There are a couple underlaying things that could explain my incredibly bad/woe is me mood and I know that. The easiest being the most logical, and would be the reason my doctor would be concerned.

On top of that though we have a few more things aggravating it. Things I don’t know how to deal with or fix and I hate that feeling. I hate it when other people decide what I’m going to do and how. I hate being told I can or cannot do something. I don’t like feeling out of control and that’s just the way I feel.

Doing trade shows makes me happy. As any stay at home parent can’t attest to, you need space to be yourself independently of your kid/s. It doesn’t mean you love them any less, and I wonder how people who never leave their child’s side do it. In all honestly I wonder about their sanity. I love being Sally Homemaker. It gives me great pride and joy to be around my baby and watch her grow up, however I still need my own time. Does this make me a bad Mom?

….

It feels like yes. It feels like every second I’m away from her the world is judging and dismissing me. I don’t want to look back in 18 years and go…

“Where the hell did my life go? Where the hell am I? Who am I without the baby?”

I am 24 years old. I still want to enjoy my life with my family and with my baby girl, not give it up completely to be one thing that will take all my strength and change who I am. I don’t want to be the burnt out Mom who goes completely nuts when she gets the chance. I want to hang out with friends, I want to be social. I don’t want to go out every night or even every weekend and party, but going to a friends house together with the Padawan, or having a family day where we hang out with friends and go for a walk, or do anything would be nice.

I don’t want to look back and say “I had a life until I had the baby.” I want to look back and think about how full and rich my life was, how blessed I was to have good friends, great times and have a fantastic relationship with my daughter and husband.

Maybe this all seems odd to some, but before we had the Padawan I was a somebody to people other then my family. I had a great job that I miss like no tomorrow, I earned respect from the people I worked with and not because I cleaned their ass or spoon fed them. I had finally gotten used to the idea they had been telling me since I was 14, that I wouldn’t ever be able to conceive and carry to full term a child.

Don’t get me wrong, being a Mom is the hardest job of any out there, besides being a Dad. It’s a completely thankless job however, one you do every day 24/7 for little to no respect, your magic and when you wave a magic wand things get done. It’s not as easy as picking dinner… It’s taking the arm load of kids to grocery shop. It’s pulling your hair out trying to budget the family so you eat right on a dime. Making meals you know people don’t really like because its either all that you have in the house or because… Well it’s all you have in the house.

Again… This could all be the chemical imbalance in my brain I am no longer evening out.

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