Through the looking glass

I’m losing my mind a little bit.

All I want is to be alone, some privacy in my house to sing as I clean, to dance around and do my thing. If I get alone time it’s out of the house, and lately I truly don’t feel like I’m in control of anything so some time alone in my own place would help. Time to do whatever I want and relax and find my center in my home again.

I’m amazingly, epically homesick. I just want my Mommy and my Nana.

I want people to listen to me.

That’s all. I would kill for someone to listen to me. To do what I say when I say it. To take my thoughts and actually absorb them and give feedback.

Just when I think I have it all working out I hit a low spot again. No reason. I can’t hear anything but snide remarks from people when I know they don’t mean it to sound that way. All I hear is condensation in things and again, I know people don’t mean it… But I feel it.

Ah well. Nothing can be done except for plastering the fake smile on and keeping on keeping on. It’s not exactly fake either… I’m just trying to ride the downward wave until it crests up again. 99% of people won’t get that. Some will… I’m not sure if I’m thankful for that or sorry you suffer with me. I wouldn’t even call it a mental illness because I hate the connections that brings to people heads.

I’ve never outright said it here, but I am depressed. The better my life goes the worse it gets simply because of what I do to myself.
I know nothing is wrong, that I should be happy. My life is pretty damn perfect. My husband loves me and treats me like his Kahlessi, my daughter is the picture of health and as smart as a whip. My family is safe, completely fucked up, but safe and four hours away. The perfect distance to miss them and not. My Nana is 1,100km away, and so is my Island but at least it’s in the same country. The better things get, as I said, the worse I feel. I have a Catholics guilt with none of the confessional perks. I know it’s depression. I have struggled with it my entire life but people always said it would get better. Get easier. It never will. The pills don’t work and there is no end, but we only get one chance to make our life what we want.

All I want is Logan and the Padawan by my side. He saved me from myself I think. He is the calm to my storm and the anchor to my sail. Logan is my light at the end of the tunnel. He doesn’t understand a lot of what goes on in my head, and I don’t think he ever could unless he felt the same way, something I would never wish on anyone.

Sometimes it feels like I’m on the outside looking in. Okay all the time it does, I’m watching happy families and smiling people but I can’t feel the warmth through the window. The light glows around everyone but doesn’t quite get to me. I’m alone, watching the world. Usually I am okay with it. Ever since having the Padawan though its harder to accept the feelings. I want to be active, I want to be happy… Just feel happy with no other feelings. No nagging doubts no extra thoughts… I just want to shut my mind off.


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