Finally. At 17 weeks and 3 days, I’m starting to feel slightly human again. I’m still very nauseous; but I’ve managed to ramp it down to one of my medications from five to handle it all. That’s right, from five different medications to one.
The last time I was in the hospital at Easter my stomach lining had been eaten away due to vomiting, I had lost a total of twenty pounds and was past any point of exhaustion.
I wrote before of my anger towards being so sick, how I didn’t understand why it was so hard this time around when having kids is what woman are biologically programmed to do. Even though my first delivery wasn’t smooth, and I understand how lucky we are to be able to have children as I wasn’t supposed to, it still made me so mad that everything wasn’t going smoothly for me this time around. With the Padawan my morning sickness was bad; but not to the point where I had to be hospitalized and quit working. After losing one of the twins I was, and I know I’ve repeated this a few times, angry. Now I’ve come to accept it and know we are even luckier that we are having this little bean after having an emergency ultrasound when the doctor couldn’t find the heartbeat. Those were the scariest four hours waiting of my entire life.
After that… Things got easier to deal with. I’ve always known I’d go through anything to be able to have kids, and I would do anything for our daughter. But now it’s really hit home how attached I am to this little bean even without seeing it other then in gray scale, without really feeling it move…
Lately I feel pregnant… Not just sick. I love it. I love the look of my baby bump, I love the little feelings I’m starting to get… I feel human at this point, feel like myself again and like a Mom again not some sick lady who can’t take care of the family she has already.
That was another big fear, feeling the way I did I couldn’t fathom how I would handle two kids and a household. Not really realizing I wouldn’t be puking after the baby was born. Knowing and understanding is two different things.
I’m still sadden by the loss of one of our twins, but this just makes the baby a double rainbow baby. I won’t lie and say its easy, or I don’t think about it. Every single time I see twins I think of how my son or daughter lost the person closest to them already, and none of us will ever know that little one. Friends saying “Oh they’ll always feel like something is missing” doesn’t help. But he or she will have his or her big sister the Padawan to connect with. It will never be alone because it has her. As a big sister myself I get it. I know how my siblings love and look up to me. We are different because my siblings have each other, born 17 months apart they are practically twins and I was always on the outside. But I have a unique relationship with each the Baby boy and my baby sister, Kelly Belly is my baby brother and we are closer then close. We share the same likes and dislikes, and my Beara is the middle child, the one person on this Earth I trust to give it to me 100% straight. I can ask her questions like “Do I look fat or pregnant” and she’ll honestly tell me. The Padawan will have an unique relationship with her sibling, and I can’t wait to see what it’s like with a 2 1/2 year gap.