When I first heard the doctor say it was twins I’m not going to lie. I freaked out a little bit… But in the same breath he told me that only one was viable.
He went on to explain I had vanishing twin syndrome, that one twin would be reabsorbed. He told me it was common, how if we didn’t do the ultrasound that early we probably never would have known.
But we did know now. At first… I was slightly relieved. We hadn’t planned on having another child, and two at the same time? Good night and good luck! It didn’t seem to bother me that much, but as time went on… It started to. I have a few friends with twins, and seeing pictures they put up online digs a little blade into my heart. Seeing pins on Pinterest with all the cute newborn photo’s, or stories about the cute things twins do… It does break my heart. The closer we get to the due date, now 11 weeks away… The more guilt I feel.
When a friend announced her pregnancy and that it was confirmed twins today I had a little mini break down. I couldn’t feel happy for her, which makes me feel worse! I wish I could look past it and forget about the loss of the Younglings other half as some have suggested. But I can’t just ignore that the Youngling will never have that bond with her brother or sister. Someone when I first found out pointed out the fact that she would always feel like a part of her was missing.
I hope she doesn’t. I hope she … Well u don’t know what I hope! I don’t even know if we should tell her, or forget about it, I don’t know how to mourn the life that technically never really was. Depending on how you look at it; the other twin wasn’t really ever alive, it was just a little egg… But as I feel the Youngling kick I can’t look at it anymore like that. A life is a life. No matter how small.
It was a life Logan and I created together, a life we would have taken care of together… Another life to raise and watch grow… I am so thankful we have the Youngling still, that we didn’t lose her. I’ve tried to focus on that; at least we still get to bring her into this world, love her and be a family with our two daughters. Three kids under 3 would have been a challenge, but as Logan and I have found we can do anything together.
As I start to circle around and lose my point, if there ever was one… I’ll end this here.
All we can do is be happy we are bringing in one life to this world. One hopefully healthy little girl who will brighten our world the same way her older sister has. I have no answers as to how to mourn the loss of her twin, and I have this fear when she is born we will be able to see the little one in the lining like some others have.
However, again, all we can do is focus on the good.
Happiness is an inside job after all….