Unscrew my head and rinse it out

You can spend your entire life trying to be the person you want to be.

You can do everything right.

Try everything right.

But in the end sheer dumb luck seems to be the thing that can stop a well thought out and well laid out plan in its tracks.

All my life I was told to make a plan. Make a plan. Stick to it. Work for it. If you work hard enough you can do anything. The only one stopping you – is you.

The sheer naivety of that has killed me. It has coloured the world with rose coloured glasses and now I cannot tell which end is up. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I plan down to the minutia of details. I channel my inner Rocket. I channel my inner Hannibal. I make sure every single aspect is covered. I plan for contingencies. I plan for someone with a rocket launcher.

What I don’t plan on…and if I did I wouldn’t even bother to try….is to be told flat out no. To have an unmovable object meet an unstoppable force.

It all has to be my issue, at this point it has to be. How many times are you called crazy or told you are wrong before you start to believe it? What if my entire life has been a lie? What if everything I know and was told to do is wrong?

Apparently it is.

So I will stick to my world, I will rock what I know. When people tell me I’m selfish and spoiled, at least I will be able to say yeah. I am. Because I earned this, I worked for this, I tried for myself and for no one else. Because when I try to plan for everyone’s happiness….

Everyone ends up happy.

But me.