Random thought dump – Depression and Anxiety

So one of the issues with pregnancy that most people know, is you must go off most if not all medication.

This is hard for me because I have generalized anxiety and depression. I’ve never been quiet about it, and I’ve always had it. Literally for all of my life as long as I can remember it’s been this looming shadow hanging out. Sometimes it goes away…well, more like the back of the room. The friend you know is constantly with you but doesn’t say much. But when the anxiety and depression started to team up it got bad for awhile. Before getting pregnant I was on three different medications to counter balance it all. That and therapy helped me navigate life to where I was comfortable and *me*.

But since going off my medication and more so the last few weeks I’ve felt it all come back. I simply can’t switch off. I can’t stop caring. Even little things that don’t normally bug even non medicated me … linger. I *know* it’s the pregnancy hormones mixed with my brain. I understand this. But understanding something and controlling it is too separate things. It’s like knowing that the water is hot but you can’t stop it from being too hot all at once.

I find myself surrounded by intrusive thoughts. Telling myself it’s Trump talking and to tell that orange headed MFer to step off isn’t working. Nothing I can personally do seems to help. But that is a common trap of depression in itself. Thinking you can’t do anything so you allow yourself to wallow. Stopping yourself from making the changes to fix your thought process.

It’s the dwelling though that really truly has always been my personal pitfall. Even in this post I can feel myself circling the topic and just poking it with a different thought angle.

So if anyone out there is like me. I feel you. I see you. This is me actively switching my mindset from I can’t do anything to I can help someone else. It’s easier to buck up when you think it will help another person. I can get myself out of bed to take care of my kids. I can feed myself because I’m feeding the kids.

Three things I do to not dwell on issues are….

  1. Fall into a mind trap. Scrolling through Facebook or Pinterest, hopefully something POSITIVE helps me to break the negative thought process. Seeing my friends cute kids. What they had for dinner. The new project they are working on… it gives me that hope and that window that just because *blank* is happening (for instance your partners ex being unmanagable **Disclaimer Not speaking about Logan**) it’s not the only thing going on in the world. Many friends have been through similar if not worse events and seeing the happy brings out my joy. Pinterest is the black hole of goodness because it gives ideas for things to actively improve upon our lives. Cute ways to dress up the kids rooms. New things to teach them. New stories to read and fandoms to follow. New food to try and make for the family. Maybe Facebook isn’t the best, but Pinterest I feel helps jump start MY brain into thinking of happy future things vs the black hole of dwelling on bad thoughts.
  2. Favorite hobbies, similar to the black hole of a mind trap it resets MY brain into thinking about things I enjoy vs things I don’t. Cooking, baking, playing games with the kids or drawing creates positive memories too, so it’s a win win! It doesn’t have to be a huge epic project. But if you enjoy drawing, draw a picture with yourself or the kids. With your cat. It seems silly but it helps jump start your brain into something positive. Even if you don’t want to do the thing… Doing the thing is proven to help break depressions hold.
  3. Physical exercise. Sounds odd. Sounds really self help-y but it’s valid science. All that endorphins make you happy junk. I’m 18 weeks pregnant but when I’m feeling overwhelmed my partner and myself go play Pokemon Go. Fresh air, walking at a decent pace and something else to focus on helps. When I wasn’t pregnant and excersized almost daily I was happier. I was focused on something positive when on the machines- focusing on my heart rate to keep it high or my breathing… my body in general I didn’t have time for the thoughts to sink in.

Just as a friendly disclaimer –

I don’t recommend going off your meds unless medically supervised. I don’t suggest any of these things are replacements for professional help. If you are having dark thoughts please reach out to someone – anyone – who cares. Family, friends, medical personal… anyone. If you think no one cares just remember… people literally have dedicated their lives to keep you alive. Use the resources they’ve provided and fought for. Call the helpline for your needs, again talk to your doctor or therapist, school teacher or someone you trust.

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