Random thought dump – Depression and Anxiety

So one of the issues with pregnancy that most people know, is you must go off most if not all medication.

This is hard for me because I have generalized anxiety and depression. I’ve never been quiet about it, and I’ve always had it. Literally for all of my life as long as I can remember it’s been this looming shadow hanging out. Sometimes it goes away…well, more like the back of the room. The friend you know is constantly with you but doesn’t say much. But when the anxiety and depression started to team up it got bad for awhile. Before getting pregnant I was on three different medications to counter balance it all. That and therapy helped me navigate life to where I was comfortable and *me*.

But since going off my medication and more so the last few weeks I’ve felt it all come back. I simply can’t switch off. I can’t stop caring. Even little things that don’t normally bug even non medicated me … linger. I *know* it’s the pregnancy hormones mixed with my brain. I understand this. But understanding something and controlling it is too separate things. It’s like knowing that the water is hot but you can’t stop it from being too hot all at once.

I find myself surrounded by intrusive thoughts. Telling myself it’s Trump talking and to tell that orange headed MFer to step off isn’t working. Nothing I can personally do seems to help. But that is a common trap of depression in itself. Thinking you can’t do anything so you allow yourself to wallow. Stopping yourself from making the changes to fix your thought process.

It’s the dwelling though that really truly has always been my personal pitfall. Even in this post I can feel myself circling the topic and just poking it with a different thought angle.

So if anyone out there is like me. I feel you. I see you. This is me actively switching my mindset from I can’t do anything to I can help someone else. It’s easier to buck up when you think it will help another person. I can get myself out of bed to take care of my kids. I can feed myself because I’m feeding the kids.

Three things I do to not dwell on issues are….

  1. Fall into a mind trap. Scrolling through Facebook or Pinterest, hopefully something POSITIVE helps me to break the negative thought process. Seeing my friends cute kids. What they had for dinner. The new project they are working on… it gives me that hope and that window that just because *blank* is happening (for instance your partners ex being unmanagable **Disclaimer Not speaking about Logan**) it’s not the only thing going on in the world. Many friends have been through similar if not worse events and seeing the happy brings out my joy. Pinterest is the black hole of goodness because it gives ideas for things to actively improve upon our lives. Cute ways to dress up the kids rooms. New things to teach them. New stories to read and fandoms to follow. New food to try and make for the family. Maybe Facebook isn’t the best, but Pinterest I feel helps jump start MY brain into thinking of happy future things vs the black hole of dwelling on bad thoughts.
  2. Favorite hobbies, similar to the black hole of a mind trap it resets MY brain into thinking about things I enjoy vs things I don’t. Cooking, baking, playing games with the kids or drawing creates positive memories too, so it’s a win win! It doesn’t have to be a huge epic project. But if you enjoy drawing, draw a picture with yourself or the kids. With your cat. It seems silly but it helps jump start your brain into something positive. Even if you don’t want to do the thing… Doing the thing is proven to help break depressions hold.
  3. Physical exercise. Sounds odd. Sounds really self help-y but it’s valid science. All that endorphins make you happy junk. I’m 18 weeks pregnant but when I’m feeling overwhelmed my partner and myself go play Pokemon Go. Fresh air, walking at a decent pace and something else to focus on helps. When I wasn’t pregnant and excersized almost daily I was happier. I was focused on something positive when on the machines- focusing on my heart rate to keep it high or my breathing… my body in general I didn’t have time for the thoughts to sink in.

Just as a friendly disclaimer –

I don’t recommend going off your meds unless medically supervised. I don’t suggest any of these things are replacements for professional help. If you are having dark thoughts please reach out to someone – anyone – who cares. Family, friends, medical personal… anyone. If you think no one cares just remember… people literally have dedicated their lives to keep you alive. Use the resources they’ve provided and fought for. Call the helpline for your needs, again talk to your doctor or therapist, school teacher or someone you trust.

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It’s been awhile.

It’s been since 2016, Aug. A depressive episode since I last wrote here.

Once more I feel like I’m in one, but it’s also the happiest time of my life! In the last two years my family has gone through such massive changes one would hardly believe it. Logan and I separated, and I met someone in a new light after that not only helped me find myself, but ALLOWED me to find myself. Someone who was and is instrumental in the rebuilding of Lipstick’s life.

He has a daughter, and together we are actually expanding our mixed little family to include another baby. I’m 18 weeks pregnant today… full of hope and excitement as the HG is semi behind us and the world is in front of us.

It was my 30th birthday yesterday. Which still doesn’t feel real. Saying that gives me pause. I can’t believe I made it. This was the first birthday in 7 years I actually enjoyed, and the party isn’t even until tomorrow. Before on my birthday it seemed an invonveince, a second thought. But now it’s not and I adore it. You only get one or two days dedicated to you. If your lucky. I always felt birthdays are so special and a cause to celebrate. Heck. Even my DAD sent me a happy birthday text. Can’t go wrong with that.

We even got blessed with a visit from my baby brother last night, it was amazing. Magical. A birthday with family. Last year my Mom came up… But it was also two days after Logan decided he didn’t want to be a family any more. Sort of overshadowed life in general.

Random Writing during a depressed bout

She felt so alone, yet was surrounded by people.

She felt so lost, yet knew where she was.

She felt so unloved, yet knew she was loved.

Her brain told her one thing, reality was completely different. Watching a world full of seemingly normal people was starting to become almost too much to bear. She felt as if the world was on her shoulders yet knew it was self-imposed and could not say a word. Nothing felt right anymore and she didn’t know how to fix it. All she knew was she did not want this life anymore, but she loved her family. Loved their happiness and didn’t want to destroy that. They needed her. She needed to figure out what was wrong with herself.

 

She worked so hard to get to where she was but she didn’t want this life.

She didn’t want this pain.

She wanted it all to end

But was both a coward and stronger than that.

 

Everything in life was just a big muddled mess. She simply didn’t know what to do. The very feelings she had confused her even more. Everything seems so pointless. Yet full of prospect.

Unscrew my head and rinse it out

You can spend your entire life trying to be the person you want to be.

You can do everything right.

Try everything right.

But in the end sheer dumb luck seems to be the thing that can stop a well thought out and well laid out plan in its tracks.

All my life I was told to make a plan. Make a plan. Stick to it. Work for it. If you work hard enough you can do anything. The only one stopping you – is you.

The sheer naivety of that has killed me. It has coloured the world with rose coloured glasses and now I cannot tell which end is up. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I plan down to the minutia of details. I channel my inner Rocket. I channel my inner Hannibal. I make sure every single aspect is covered. I plan for contingencies. I plan for someone with a rocket launcher.

What I don’t plan on…and if I did I wouldn’t even bother to try….is to be told flat out no. To have an unmovable object meet an unstoppable force.

It all has to be my issue, at this point it has to be. How many times are you called crazy or told you are wrong before you start to believe it? What if my entire life has been a lie? What if everything I know and was told to do is wrong?

Apparently it is.

So I will stick to my world, I will rock what I know. When people tell me I’m selfish and spoiled, at least I will be able to say yeah. I am. Because I earned this, I worked for this, I tried for myself and for no one else. Because when I try to plan for everyone’s happiness….

Everyone ends up happy.

But me.