She felt so alone, yet was surrounded by people.
She felt so lost, yet knew where she was.
She felt so unloved, yet knew she was loved.
Her brain told her one thing, reality was completely different. Watching a world full of seemingly normal people was starting to become almost too much to bear. She felt as if the world was on her shoulders yet knew it was self-imposed and could not say a word. Nothing felt right anymore and she didn’t know how to fix it. All she knew was she did not want this life anymore, but she loved her family. Loved their happiness and didn’t want to destroy that. They needed her. She needed to figure out what was wrong with herself.
She worked so hard to get to where she was but she didn’t want this life.
She didn’t want this pain.
She wanted it all to end
But was both a coward and stronger than that.
Everything in life was just a big muddled mess. She simply didn’t know what to do. The very feelings she had confused her even more. Everything seems so pointless. Yet full of prospect.
You can spend your entire life trying to be the person you want to be.
You can do everything right.
Try everything right.
But in the end sheer dumb luck seems to be the thing that can stop a well thought out and well laid out plan in its tracks.
All my life I was told to make a plan. Make a plan. Stick to it. Work for it. If you work hard enough you can do anything. The only one stopping you – is you.
The sheer naivety of that has killed me. It has coloured the world with rose coloured glasses and now I cannot tell which end is up. I don’t know what to do anymore.
I plan down to the minutia of details. I channel my inner Rocket. I channel my inner Hannibal. I make sure every single aspect is covered. I plan for contingencies. I plan for someone with a rocket launcher.
What I don’t plan on…and if I did I wouldn’t even bother to try….is to be told flat out no. To have an unmovable object meet an unstoppable force.
It all has to be my issue, at this point it has to be. How many times are you called crazy or told you are wrong before you start to believe it? What if my entire life has been a lie? What if everything I know and was told to do is wrong?
Apparently it is.
So I will stick to my world, I will rock what I know. When people tell me I’m selfish and spoiled, at least I will be able to say yeah. I am. Because I earned this, I worked for this, I tried for myself and for no one else. Because when I try to plan for everyone’s happiness….
Everyone ends up happy.
I’m not here today mommy,
To tell you how I feel.
But the feelings that I have,
Are so very real.
You never got to hold me
My life was but a blink.
But you will always be my mommy.
I’m closer then you think.
In honor of Noah for my best friend.
The little Stark sometimes can be a handful. Only rarely though when she is utterly exhausted and fighting sleep with every ounce of her little being.
Last year, when the Geekies were announced I considered entering my work. Continue reading